dancing on the threshold. - tribe.net

Happy New Year's to everyone. Here's a nice line about the moon, from my friend k8:


dancing on the threshold. - tribe.net: " i think i've found a character for this loose journey that fits.

so i will cross the threshold as the moon. i glibly summed it up to someone as 'mostly standing and bearing witness, with an occassional intervention to make somebody act crazy when i'm feeling full.' but the Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. "

Banana Bunker

this is a joke, right? right?

i'm pretty sure my ex, *o**, had one of these, but with a silver bullet.

damn. this product's so strange that it makes that joke too obvioius.

Banana Bunker: "Product Information

Cultured Containers has developed the BananaBunker? to protect this delicate fruit from bruising when placed in your backpack, nap sack, soft carrying case, or briefcase. The container also protects your backpack’s valuable contents, such as CD players, textbooks, binders, and business documents.

Whether you are on a hiking trip, day trip, athletic event, between classes, or at a board meeting, the BananaBunker? will keep your fruit safe until you are ready to snack. Go ahead, eat healthy!"

Wooing with writing: A story's quick end - Los Angeles Times

From a story in today's LA Times, a guy finds an interesting dating screen name on match.com, and responds in character.

Writing ensues.

Wooing with writing: A story's quick end - Los Angeles Times: "Wooing with writing: A story's quick end
When he reworks 'Say Anything,' she keeps mum.
By Stephen Krcmar, Special to The Times
December 28, 2006

HER name was vaguely familiar. But I couldn't put a face on 'Diane Court.'

...

So, I assumed the identity of the now-thirtysomething kickboxer and wrote from Dobler's perspective. I outlined what might have transpired after the closing scene of the movie when Lloyd and Diane boarded an airplane for Europe with nothing but potential on the horizon.

Call it a synopsis for the yet-unwritten "Say Anything 2: How Lloyd Got His Diane Back."

Here it is.

Ms. Court,

Is it still "Ms."? God, I hope so. It's me: Lloyd. Don't worry about my online name. I tried to use "LloydDobler" as my screen name initially. It lasted for about six seconds until thousands of e-mails to me crashed Match.com's server. The company insisted that I change my name. I'm not big on being told what to do, but for you it's only one of the sacrifices I'm willing to make

LA Weekly - It's Two Thousand What??????

This looks promising, as part of my 'do new things in the new year' goal.

LA Weekly - It's Two Thousand What??????: "THURSDAY, January 4

You: “What should we do tonight?” Your hip friend: “Let’s take a burlesque-dancing class.” You: “Not again. Margaret Cho scratched me last time, and I’m still sore.” YHF: “How about that bar where you can knit and make crafts?” You: “But what if Margaret Cho’s there, with knitting needles?” You: “Karaoke?” YHF: “It’s not due for another ironic comeback for years.” YHF: “We could go to that Silver Lake boutique that rips up old T-shirts and sells them back to us.” You: “Yeah, but I’d rather get a little bit of exercise while enjoying hipnescenti-approved indie bands. Maybe outside, where we can sneak in a flask of Grey Goose and pretend we’re in a real city.” That’s it! Spaceland on Ice, with Bodies of Water and the Parson Red Heads — think Polyphonic Spree meets Fifth Dimension. Plus the Chapin Sisters. Pershing Square, 532 S. Olive St., dwntwn.; Thurs., Jan. 4, 8 p.m.; $6 per skating session, $2 skate rental. (213) 847-4970."

time

Happy Solstice. Welcome Winter. Howdy to all. Hope you're all snug and warm on this shortest day of the year.

Hourly Local Weather Forecast for Venice, CA (90291) - weather.com: "Sunset 4:49 pm"

Disparity Emerges in Lilly Data on Schizophrenia Drug - New York Times

Irony, definition of. Disparity Emerges in Lilly Data on Schizophrenia Drug - New York Times: "Disparity Emerges in Lilly Data on Schizophrenia Drug"

happy holidays

happy holidays
Originally uploaded by ideateller.

from the Vicoden elf via http://galleryoftheabsurd.typepad.com/14/

10 Things I Want for Christmas

Cool. Dig the pic of the kid being hit by a lawn dart.

Going to figure out how to use 'like a lawn dart to the head' in my End=of-Year music review.

Features : Radar Online: "ast month, Target recalled 10 of its Kool Toyz-brand play sets, citing hazards like 'lead paint,' 'sharp points,' and 'puncture wound potential.' The toys, which included plastic aircraft carriers, dinosaurs, and tanks, all appeared harmless enough. But according to the killjoys at the Consumer Product Safety Commission, children—at least those prone to eating plastic objects as big as their head—were at serious risk. A week later, Mattel recalled 4.4 million Polly Pocket dolls and accessories because kids were swallowing the toy's magnets. The Associated Press reported, 'If more than one magnet is swallowed, they can attach to each other and cause intestinal perforation, infection or blockage.' Three children required surgery.

In the last year alone, some eight million units of toys were recalled in the U.S., according to W.A.T.C.H., a toy-safety advocacy group. But Kool Toys and Polly Pockets are kids' stuff compared to the hazardous baubles of yesteryear. In the spirit of the holidays, Radar presents the 10 most dangerous toys of all time, those treasured playthings that drew blood, chewed digits, took out eyes, and, in one case, actually irradiated. To keep things interesting, we excluded BB guns, slingshots, throwing stars, and anything else actually intended to inflict harm. Below, our toy box from hell.
"

300

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

This has to be the coolest movie ever that could have been also been the title of the biopic about bowling's Dale Weber.

300

ESPN.com - NFL - NFL fines Cowboys' Owens $35,000 for spitting on Hall

ESPN.com - NFL - NFL fines Cowboys' Owens $35,000 for spitting on Hall'S face:

Porn stars everywhere weep at the inequity of it all.

Please Let It Be Whale Vomit, Not Just Sea Junk - New York Times

A great headline deserves a blog entry.

Please Let It Be Whale Vomit, Not Just Sea Junk - New York Times: "MONTAUK, N.Y. — In this season of strange presents from relatives, Dorothy Ferreira got a doozy the other day from her 82-year-old sister in Waterloo, Iowa. It was ugly. It weighed four pounds. There was no receipt in the box.

Inside she found what looked like a gnarled, funky candle but could actually be a huge hunk of petrified whale vomit worth as much as $18,000."

Global Orgasm - December 22nd, 2006 - Peace through Global Ecstasy

What (or who) will you be doing on Friday?

Global Orgasm - December 22nd, 2006 - Peace through Global Ecstasy

GlobalOrgasm.org Mission Statement

The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW! Read more about the fleet buildup here.

The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.

The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.

Global Orgasm is an experiment open to everyone in the world.

We hope the results will register on the worldwide monitor system of the Global Consciousness Project.

This is the First Annual Solstice Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace, leading up to the December Solstice of 2012, when the Mayan Calendar ends with a new beginning.

More! Science-backed Sex!
Women have permission to seduce men.

comment of the day

EDSBS ? Archive ? GOLDEN UNICYLE DIARIES: PETER AND ORSON ON BOWL SEASON, PART ONE: "“OS: You wonder if polygamists fantasize about onesomes.”"

Unlazy Blogger Friday: New Arcade Fire track

A new Arcade Fire track has leaked.

Ripped off of the BBC, please excuse the poor quality. But this track is the real deal.

Really looking forward to the new album.

DOWNLOAD: Arcade Fire - Intervention/

New Arcade Fire - Intervention

A new Arcade Fire track has leaked.

Ripped off of the BBC, please excuse the poor quality. But this track is the real deal.

Really looking forward to the new album.

DOWNLOAD: Arcade Fire - Intervention/

luck

It's been a good past week or so. Being much easier on myself, if not my liver.

Last night, ran into Tess and talked with her for a while. It'd been too long. Hopefully, we can rekindle our friendship.

Today, I got paid for my freelance and also received a small bonus from my work. And the Herman Dune CD i ordered finally came in the mail.

Just feeling good.

Words of the day, based on a post on k8's blog (can't link to it): Sexquisite, and a neologism: messquisite.

If you were a Mexican, I'd call you mexquisite.

Be wonderful.

World's tallest man saves China dolphins - Yahoo! News

From: Mark Sn*w.

"World’s tallest man passes on lucrative NBA offer for true calling as a
Plastic Retriever From The Stomach of a Dolphin Specialist.

(For some reason, this story strikes me as insanely magical.)"

World's tallest man saves China dolphins - Yahoo! News: "World's tallest man saves China dolphins

Thu Dec 14, 7:28 AM ET

BEIJING - The long arms of the world's tallest man reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs, state media and an aquarium official said Thursday.
ADVERTISEMENT

The dolphins got sick after nibbling on plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium in Liaoning province. Attempts to use surgical instruments to remove the plastic failed because the dolphins' stomachs contracted in response to the instruments, the China Daily newspaper reported.

Veterinarians then decided to ask for help from Bao Xishun, a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia with 41.7-inch arms, state media said.

Bao, 54, was confirmed last year by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's tallest living man."

You can't spell 'Hospitaliano' without 'Hospital'

Sucks to be a creative on the OG account right now. There goes your Christmas break, stuck in the office coming up with a new Olive Garden tagline.

Scores ill after eating at Indiana Olive Garden - CNN.com: "Scores ill after eating at Indiana Olive Garden
POSTED: 4:48 p.m. EST, December 15, 2006
From Jen Pifer
CNN
Adjust font size:
Decrease fontDecrease font
Enlarge fontEnlarge font

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana (CNN) -- -- About 300 people have reported becoming sick after eating at an Olive Garden restaurant in northeast Indianapolis, a spokesman for the Marion County Health Department told CNN on Friday.

The customers became ill after eating at the restaurant between Saturday and Wednesday, said John Althardt. They have reported nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and, in some cases, fever, and three have been hospitalized, he said."

Wisconsin hunter bags deer with 7 legs - Yahoo! News

I don't usually post these types of news of the weird type stories here, but this is some interesting, freaky shit.

Wisconsin hunter bags deer with 7 legs - Yahoo! News: "Wisconsin hunter bags deer with 7 legs

Wed Dec 13, 9:00 PM ET

FOND DU LAC, Wis. - Rick Lisko hunts deer with a bow but got his most unusual one driving his truck down his mile-long driveway. The young buck had nub antlers — and seven legs. Lisko said it also had both male and female reproductive organs. 'It was definitely a freak of nature,' Lisko said. 'I guess it's a real rarity.'
ADVERTISEMENT

He said he slowed down as the buck and two does ran across the driveway Nov. 22, but the buck ran under the truck and got hit.

When he looked at the animal, he noticed three- to four-inch appendages growing from the rear legs. Later, he found a smaller appendage growing from one of the front legs.

'It's a pretty weird deer,' he said, describing the extra legs as resembling 'crab pinchers.'

'It kind of gives you the creeps when you look at it,' he said, but he thought he saw the appendages moving, as if they were functional, before the deer was hit.

Warden Doug Bilgo of the state Department of Natural Resources came to Lisko's property near Mud Lake in the town of Osceola to tag the deer.

'I have never seen anything like that in all the years that I've been working as a game warden and being a hunter myself,' Bilgo said. 'It wasn't anything grotesque or ugly or anything. It was just unusual that it would have those little appendages growing out like that.'

Bilgo took photos and sent information on the animal to DNR wildlife managers.

John Hoffman of Eden Meat Market skinned the deer for Lisko, who wasn't going to waste the venison from the animal.

'And by the way, I did eat it,' Lisko said. 'It was tasty.'"

SFGate: Culture Blog! : Ho Ho Ho's and Plenty of Bad Santas

Jump the link for some great pictures from John Curley, a photographer/writer for the SF Chronicle, who also does some great stuff about Burning Man.

Really like the one of the 'frollicking' Santa.

SFGate: Culture Blog! : Ho Ho Ho's and Plenty of Bad Santas: "Hundreds of Santas rambled the streets (and the bars and the stores) of San Francisco on Saturday. It was the 13th annual Santacon event, which celebrates everything that is naughty, not nice, about Christmas (and Hanukkkah and Kwanza and every other seasonal celebration, religious or otherwise, that goes on at this time of year. Pagans welcome.)

The first Santacon happened back in 1994 when a couple dozen members of the Cacophony Society decided to get cheap Santa suits and force-feed some edgy holiday cheer on an unsuspecting public, all in the hope of finding free drinks and willing partners. The plan worked pretty well.

On Saturday, hundreds of Santa suit-wearing revelers converged at Pier 39 around 10:30, most carrying flasks, ready to make merry. There were lots of self-described ho ho ho's, and pretty much all the Santas were Bad Santas. There was lots of leather and plenty of red thongs. Santa was making a list, and you really wanted to be on it. I'm sorry to report that apparently a good number of people had been bad this year, because there was rampant spanking. But still, it turned out there were plenty of toys for everyone in Santa's sack. "

Christmas DDB party

Christmas DDB party
Originally uploaded by ideateller.

was fun, but the daytime start really kept things from getting out of

control.



at least we were all really, really really, really ridiculously good

looking.

Christmas DDB party

Christmas DDB party
Originally uploaded by ideateller.

was fun, but the daytime start really kept things from getting out of

control.



at least we were all really, really really, really ridiculously good

looking.

Christmas DDB party

Christmas DDB party
Originally uploaded by ideateller.

was fun, but the daytime start really kept things from getting out of

control.



at least we were all really, really really, really ridiculously good

looking.

Christmas DDB party

Christmas DDB party
Originally uploaded by ideateller.

was fun, but the daytime start really kept things from getting out of

control.



at least we were all really, really really, really ridiculously good

looking.

FW: Partyboy

FW: Partyboy
Originally uploaded by ideateller.

From the AICP Christmas party. Cheers to Christy for tracking down a ticket

and to Melissa for being so gracious as to donate it.

SFGate: Culture Blog! : Mary Cheney's evil lesbian baby

Mark Morford cracks my shit up.

SFGate: Culture Blog! : Mary Cheney's evil lesbian baby: "Fun new game! Try saying 'Dick Cheney's grandchild will have two mommies!' without shooting coffee/vodka through your nose in scathingly ironic laughter. Fun for kids!"

Are Indian men too short for condoms? - By William Saletan - Slate Magazine

Hey, I'm a normal sized Indian man!

Are Indian men too short for condoms? - By William Saletan - Slate Magazine: "(For the latest Human Nature columns on gluttony, cybersex, and police shootings, click here.)

The Indian Council of Medical Research says Indian penises are too short for standard condoms. Condom failure rates in India range up to 20 percent; to figure out why, the council has 'just concluded an extensive two-year study of the penis sizes of Indian men.' Council researcher: 'As per international standards, most condoms are 150 mm to 180 mm in length and 44 to 56 mm in width. But data collected in Mumbai till 2001 showed that 60% of the participants measured 126 to 156 mm in length and 30% between 100 and 125 mm.' Translation: Thirty percent of Indian men are 1 inch short, and another 30 percent are 2 inches short. Proposed solutions: 1) shorter condoms. 2) Spray-on condoms. Skeptical reactions: 1) The failure rate is lower in clinical trials, and many complaints are about tearing, not slippage, so the main problem is proper use, not size. 2) 'Will there be takers for the smaller-sized condoms?' (For a previous update on penis size, click here. For spray-on condoms, click here. For Human Nature's take on the first penis transplant, click here.)"

Colbert I. King - The Breakdown That Really Needs Fixing - washingtonpost.com

Shocking statistic to lead the article.

Been watching The Wire reruns over the weekend. Such a great show, and I can't help but look at DC now but in the same way as Baltimore.

Colbert I. King - The Breakdown That Really Needs Fixing - washingtonpost.com: "From Jan. 2, 1999 -- the date Mayor Anthony Williams was sworn in to office -- to yesterday, more than 1,700 people, mostly young black men, have been murdered in the nation's capital. That horrible statistic has an impact far beyond the grave.

Living within the city's borders is an army of survivors: broken-hearted parents and grandparents; traumatized single women facing an uncertain future with fatherless children; bitter young men, undereducated and unskilled, scarred by violence themselves and roving the streets with hair-trigger anger. They are a part of the city that Adrian Fenty will inherit when he is sworn in as the District of Columbia's fifth elected mayor in January."

Seminole Tribe of Florida buys Hard Rock

Heehee.

There always has been a little village people in the FSU Seminole mascot Chief Osceola. I guess now there'll be a little bit more.

I'm a little tired of all of the Corleone jokes that the sports guy uses, but I find it interesting that shortly after Fredo Bowden is fired as the Offensive Coordinator at FSU, that he's given a hotel in Vegas to run.

This page's banner also has a picture of Elton John. If I were a photoshop sooper genius I'd get to work on a fark triptych of the new outfits for (from left to right) Chief Osceola, Booby, and the rest of the Seminole team.

Seminole Tribe of Florida buys Hard Rock: "Seminole Tribe of Florida buys Hard Rock

12/07/2006 8:17 AM, AP
Robert Barr

The Seminole Tribe of Florida is buying the Hard Rock business, including its massive collection of rock 'n' roll memorabilia, in a $965 million deal with British casino and hotel company Rank Group PLC, the tribe announced Thursday.

The Hard Rock business includes 124 Hard Rock Cafes, four Hard Rock Hotels, two Hard Rock Casino Hotels, two Hard Rock Live! concert venues and stakes in three unbranded hotels.

With it, the tribe acquires what is said to be the world's largest collection of rock memorabilia, some 70,000 pieces including Jimi Hendrix's Flying V guitar, one of Madonna's bustiers, a pair of Elton John's high-heeled shoes and guitars formerly owned by Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton and Chuck Berry.

'This is a proud moment for the Seminole Tribe of Florida and for all Indian tribes,' said Mitchell Cypress, chairman of the elected Tribal Council. 'It is also an opportunity for the Seminole Tribe to diversify its business operations and help a very successful company to achieve even greater growth.'

Cypress and Seminole Gaming Chief Executive James Allen said in a statement the tribe would work with Hard Rock International management to build on existing growth plans.

In addition to its two Seminole Hard Rock hotels & casinos, the Seminole Tribe owns and operates five other casinos in Florida. More than 90 percent of the tribe's budget now comes from gaming revenue.

Nearly 3,300 Seminole Indians live on and off reservations throughout Florida. Rank said it would keep the Hard Rock Casino in London but under the Rank Gaming brand.

'We have maximized the value of Hard Rock through this disposal following a thorough strategic review and competitive auction,' said Rank Chief Executive Ian Burke.

The sale, which is subject to shareholder approval, is scheduled to be completed in March."

Juan Carlos & Carolyn in LA over Thanksgiving

Juan Carlos & Carolyn in LA over Thanksgiving
Originally uploaded by ideateller.

Who knows, maybe they¹ll move out here...

Juan Carlos & Carolyn in LA over Thanksgiving

Juan Carlos & Carolyn in LA over Thanksgiving
Originally uploaded by ideateller.

Who knows, maybe they¹ll move out here...

Juan Carlos & Carolyn in LA over Thanksgiving

Juan Carlos & Carolyn in LA over Thanksgiving
Originally uploaded by ideateller.

Who knows, maybe they¹ll move out here...

Constructed Behaviors

Neato.

Beautiful.

Elegant.

Constructed Behaviors

SkyMaul: The Catalog Parody from Kasper Hauser

So funny.

I'd like one for Christmas please.

SkyMaul: The Catalog Parody from Kasper Hauser

WOW Historic Day In Sports For African Americans

To me, it's such a non-story anymore to talk about black QBs.

Orson at EDSBS says Ward/Frazier at FSU/Nebraska in 93.

(HT: Geoff)

WOW Historic Day In Sports For African Americans: "
HISTORIC DAY
IN SPORTS FOR

AFRICAN
AMERICANS

( AND CHRIS LEAK DESERVES
A TRIP TO NEW YORK CITY )"

PostSecret

PostSecret
Originally uploaded by ideateller.

Poker week

Took 4th today in a $100 tournament. Took 3rd on Wednesday night in a $20 buy-in. Rode the Peckster for a good $50 this week at work.

All in all, a good week's work of cards.

Do I use the money for a new computer?

Breaking down The Wire. - By Steve James, and Alex Kotlowitz - Slate Magazine

I (heart) The Wire. I'm hoping that the final episode is available on HBO on Demand tonight. But I don't want to watch the final episode, because a) I don't want this year to be over and b) something really bad is going to happen to the kids on the show.

Breaking down The Wire. - By Steve James, and Alex Kotlowitz - Slate Magazine: "With one episode to go, we worry about the fate of Dukie, Randy, Namond, and Michael. How many of them will even make it to 15, much less adulthood? To make it out requires an ability to step outside oneself, says Burns. In his former career as a cop and a teacher, Burns says he met only three or four people from the streets of Baltimore who had managed to do that. Interestingly enough, one of them is Felicia Pearson, who plays Snoop. They found Snoop—or rather Snoop found them—when she boldly approached Michael K. Williams (Omar) in a Baltimore club and delivered some of her raps. She'd lived the hard life portrayed in The Wire, yet she possessed the ability to look at herself and her life from a distance, even with humor. Simon and his team wrote her into the series as Chris' murderous sidekick. She missed the first shoot because she got stuck in Philly in a stolen-car arrest. Wrong place, wrong time. She begged for a second chance and has been a total professional, not to mention a mesmerizing screen presence. The Wire gave Felicia a chance. Or as Lester says in another context in this episode: 'Sometimes life just gives you a moment.' Think how many other Felicias are out there, still waiting for theirs.
"

Son also rises in testy Webb-Bush exchange

Bush: what a complete and utter dickhead. History can't be too unkind.

Son also rises in testy Webb-Bush exchange: "President Bush has pledged to work with the new Democratic majorities in Congress, but he has already gotten off on the wrong foot with Jim Webb, whose surprise victory over Sen. George Allen (R-Va.) tipped the Senate to the Democrats.

Webb, a decorated former Marine officer, hammered Allen and Bush over the unpopular war in Iraq while wearing his son’s old combat boots on the campaign trail. It seems the president may have some lingering resentment.

At a private reception held at the White House with newly elected lawmakers shortly after the election, Bush asked Webb how his son, a Marine lance corporal serving in Iraq, was doing.

Webb responded that he really wanted to see his son brought back home, said a person who heard about the exchange from Webb.

“I didn’t ask you that, I asked how he’s doing,” Bush retorted, according to the source.

Webb confessed that he was so angered by this that he was tempted to slug the commander-in-chief, reported the source, but of course didn’t. It’s safe to say, however, that Bush and Webb won’t be taking any overseas trips together anytime soon."

Meyer's risky call becomes stroke of genius - Orlando Sentinel : Sports Columnists

Thanks to Vallier, who forced me to go to the Gator bar to watch the Gators play Arkansas, today.

Vallier *hates* Arkansas, because she's from there.

After the fake punt, before this column, I turned to the Gator bar and mimed having Big Balls (tm ACDC).

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Cousin Allan, clear off some space in Phoniex.

m
Meyer's risky call becomes stroke of genius - Orlando Sentinel : Sports Columnists: "David Whitley
Meyer's risky call becomes stroke of geniusPublished December 3, 2006


ATLANTA -- Florida or Michigan?

Only the computers, the Harris poll, a few coaches and fire-breathing hordes of Gators and Wolverines fans know for sure. And those last two groups never will agree.

But as the glittering confetti cleared Saturday night at the Georgia Dome, one thing was established forever:

Urban Meyer is insane."

Bad Christmas Gifts from the Sports Guy's wife

ESPN.com: Page 2 : Air quality never worse in NFL: "There are two kinds of bad Xmas gifts: Copout Gifts and Just Plain Bad Gifts. Every guy reading this needs to avoid them both. Some examples:

Copout Gifts: (1) a gift certificate to a spa (screams, 'I put no thought whatsoever into this'); (2) a vacation to any locale that just so happens to have gambling (we're not stupid); (3) a homemade gift certificate promising stuff like taking out the trash, walking the dog, dates or back rubs (cute idea, but they never get turned in and from my experience, they expire); (4) a box of candy (makes us mad because we can't resist and we're already worried about holiday weight); and, of course, (5) cash.

Just Plain Bad Gifts: (1) Any household items like blenders, toasters or anything that has potential to be on a bridal registry (this will really anger a girl if you're not engaged yet); (2) nothing from a mall chain jewelry store unless you're broke (and if you have to, change the box); (3) a sports car for your wife that you know you'll end up driving once you knock her up and she's stuck driving an SUV or minivan; (4) Victoria's Secret nighties that would only look good on one of the mannequins in the store; (5) gym memberships, Jenny Craig or Trim Spa (unless you want to be killed in your sleep).

While we're here, four gifts that will work: (1) a Nano IPod with 100 of her favorite songs already on there; (2) quality cashmere anything (scarf, sweater, hat, gloves); (3) a thoughtful book with a nice note inside; and (4) the 'Grey's Anatomy' box set (it's the new 'Sex and the City'). Also, please don't e-mail Bill to say that I 'mailed it in' this week because this stuff is super important. If you still plan on e-mailing him to say that, go to hell.
"