Friday, February 28, 2003

coming to Berb's soon...

Capital Influx Part II: Gogol
There's a rotten side of America. Britney Spears represents the ultimate decay. The faces I see from the stage here have the same look that you'd see in the Ukraine back in '86 when rock and roll first arrived. A lot of excitement comes from banging people over the head. When people see us they realize that not everything in this world is a goddamn gimmick. - Eugene Hutz, lead singer, Gogol Bordello
The Gogol Bordello band members were racing to get their equipment set up. The violinist did a sound check and the crowd noticed for the first time that, well, there was a violinist on the stage. And an accordian player! What the hell kind of band was this?
Barbara was already smirking.
The stage lights went dark. Gogol lead singer, Eugene Hutz strutted center stage, beer in one hand, microphone in the other, gypsy scarf around his head, red button down shirt open at the collar, gold plated sarong wrapped around black pants. One black Adidas sneaker in front of the other.
[Alcohol, incidentally, tends to be a major feature of Gogol Bordello shows--for both the band and the fans. From a recent interview: "The one time Eugene can remember being sober onstage was a disconcerting experience, so to speak: 'I was all worked up, covered in sweat and I thought, what the fuck am I, an athlete?'"]
The lights went up, Eugene took a gulp of beer and spewed it into the audience, just as the drummer slammed his drumstick against the cymbal, cueing the rest of the band. The ballroom erupted in an orgy of violin, accordian, guitar, sax, and a pounding bassline so heavy that it was difficult to tell whether the people in front of the stage were bobbing up and down in response to the rhythm or the sheer decibel force shaking the ground below.
Eugene climbed onto one of the speakers at the front of the stage and belted out the lyrics in growling heavily-accented pseudo-English, eyes bulging, and neck muscles straining. He leaped from the speaker back to the stage, wildly gesticulating as he screamed into the microphone. He tore the scarf from his head and threw it into the audience. The shirt went next. Within minutes he was writhing on the floor.
The crowd was both stunned and delighted. The ballroom floor was a sea of people jumping up and down, laughing hysterically, and screaming for more. By the second number, the audience had been worked into a near frenzy.
Eugene popped back up, grabbed a chair, put it on the speaker, and climbed even higher, drenched in sweat, hair and trademark moustache plastered against pale skin, every sinew taut on his lanky frame. He inhaled, threw his head back, and screamed from the top of his lungs, the muscles in his torso tensing as he wailed into the mic. You could almost see the heat rushing through his lungs, the force pummelling the back of his throat, vocal cords straining, as has expelled every last bit of sound and air from his body. The rest of the band futilely attempted to play their instruments with comparable force.
Eugene's thrashing around on stage had resulted in three parallel cuts across the ribs, as if he had been clawed by some animal, the little streaks of red glistening in the stage light. Just before Gogol launched into another number, a hipster in the crowd yelled "we want to see more blood!"
Eugene whipped around.
"You want to see fucking blood, you fucking...!"
Eugene took a running leap off the edge, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him onstage. The guy looked both terrified and ecstatic. Eugene pushed him around the stage a bit, yelling what I presumed to be Ukrainian expletives and then ceremoniously pushed him back off the stage. The audience cheered. Eugene lifted one of the speakers over his head as if he were contemplating heaving it into the crowd. (He probably was.)
By the last song, the stage was full. Cabaret girls banging drums and cymbals and belly dancers joined the band for the climactic finale. The audience screamed their approval.
Barbara was smiling. I was laughing, uncool suede coat now drenched with beer. Ken, the other lucky owner of a coveted ticket for the show, was still staring at the stage in disbelief.
"The funny thing is," I said, "they were a bit more subdued than last time."
Ken remarked afterwards, "You know, when you said they were 'like nothing you've ever seen,' I thought, 'oh, yeah, sure.' Now I don't know what to say."
He continued, "I really wonder what that guy Eugene is like in real life." (Rick said the same thing at the last one.)
A Village Voice reporter interviewed Eugene after he got kicked out of his DJ gig at the Bulgarian Bar for trashing the equipment and he said something to the effect of "sometimes I just get wasted and trash all my stuff. I'll be sitting in the tub the next morning with my CDs cuz they need to be washed. And that's a typical Sunday."
"I don't know," I replied. "I guess he just sort of...sits in his tub with his CDs."
Hutz apparently left the Ukraine with his family after the Chernobyl explosion. They lived very close. I can't help but think that may explain some of it.

In case of a water landing, you may use your flight attendant as a flotation device.

Yahoo! News - Hooters is ready to say it: 'Fly me'

Hooters Air begins flying Thursday, when it will make its inaugural flight from Atlanta to Myrtle Beach, S.C. One-way tickets are $129 (slightly more than competitors' average fares) whether you buy six minutes or six weeks before departure, a perk Hooters hopes will lure the last-minute golfer. A $99 introductory fare is available through April 6.

''The Hooters Air motto is 'Easy to Buy, Fun to Fly,' '' Hooters vice president Mike McNeil says. ''We're adding two Hooters girls to each flight, just to bring that added element of hospitality.''

Jay-Z, Nas, the new face of the democratic party.

Defining 'Patriotic Liberalism' ( Patriotic liberalism would declare that we are all in this together. That's old-fashioned. At the moment, it would also be a radical challenge to the status quo.

I had a mental image of the baristas at the Starbucks near me, and all i can say is that it didn't make me want to masturbate. - Playboy looking for 'Women of Starbucks' - Feb. 28, 2003 Much to the chagrin of Seattle-based Starbucks Corp., Playboy Magazine has issued an alert: "Calling all coffee-making cuties!" to pose nude for an upcoming issue featuring the "Women of Starbucks."

Has the KKK even *heard* of Machiavelli? dumbfucks.

Yahoo! News - Ku Klux Klan Supports All-Male Masters Golf Club ATLANTA (Reuters) - The Ku Klux Klan is seeking a permit to demonstrate its support for the Augusta National Golf Club's all-male membership policy during April's Masters golf tournament, authorities said on Friday.

Col. Gary Powell of the Richmond County Sheriff's Department said he received an e-mail from a branch of the white supremacist group based in Georgia requesting an application for a permit to picket during the prestigious event at Augusta, Georgia.

The group's intent "is to support the right of Augusta National to choose their members regardless of race, religion, sex or creed," Powell said.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

come and join me.

insane band line-up...

Sasquatch! Music Festival

i'm sure we've all heard about the duct tape magnate who donated $100,000 to the Republican Party in 2000.

terrorists are everyready

God speed, Fred. God speed.

PBS Kids - Mister Rogers' Neighborhood: Won't You Be My Neighbor? It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

mclusky rawk

Mclusky - Lighsabre Cocksucking Blues - sung by kittens - by Joel Veitch,

ADWEAK Self-Proclaimed ?Old School? Copywriter Fired After Returning To Office From Lunch Hammered.
CHICAGO? Days after regaling jr. creatives with tales from ?the good ol? days? of advertising, veteran copywriter Max Fleischman was fired from DDB/Chicago after returning to the office from a two-hour lunch/drinking binge. ?He was trashed,? explained Julie Reynolds, DDB Director of Personnel. Said copywriter Greg Lang, ?I always thought the stories he?d tell were pretty cool, about running up expense reports and chasing tail with Ed McCabe, but when I saw him heaving into the kitchen sink and shaking, it was a different story. Man, he was fucked up. It was kind of depressing.? While representatives from the human resource department acknowledged Fleischman was ?well-respected? by the younger members of his department, they stated they could not excuse his almost perpetual state of late-afternoon intoxication. Said Reynolds, ?Max is a great old guy and we loved having him here, but enough?s enough. There are only so many times you can rationalize his telling the receptionist she has ?cute little hoots? as ?just Max being Max.??

from my friend Hartley, about a friend of his:

From: F**** M*******

I called the bouncers at R*** sanctimonious (not really little used, but it
threw them a bit) when I got kicked out last weekend for being too fucked
up. Pretty good story, cliff notes version

Two tabs, fucked up, not sure what happened, got kicked out and put in an
interrogation room, flashlights, yelling, intimidation tactics, "What are
you on?" "What are you on?" I say "Ecstasy" and they get all pissed,
accuse me of selling it, where did you get it, why are you bringing that
shit in our club, blah blah blah. I was remarkably calm for barely being
able to see and I respond "First of all I didn't say I was selling anything
and secondly, don't give me that sanctimonious bull shit, you know exactly
what you are selling here." They were thrown a bit and tried to get me to
sign something, not sure what it was so I say "I can't even focus enough to
read that. I am not signing anything. I am an attorney, I know I don't
have to sign anything. Is this interrogation over?" To which they reply
"This isn't an interrogation, stop throwing words like that around, there is
no need for that." I respond, "Great, is this interrogation over? Because
one of two things are happening, either I am leaving or you are going to be
forced to hold me against my will in which case I will own this hotel." and
I walked out.

fuckin' yowza. what a line-up.

:: :: coachella 2003 :: ::

Monday, February 24, 2003

Before Theodore Seuss Geisel found fame as a children's book author, the primary outlet for his creative efforts was magazines. His first steady job after he left Oxford was as a cartoonist for Judge, a New York City publication. In 1927 one of these cartoons opened the way to a more profitable career, as well as greater public exposure, as an advertising illustrator. This fortuitous cartoon depicts a medieval knight in his bed, facing an dragon who had invaded his room, and lamenting, "Darn it all, another dragon. And just after I'd sprayed the whole castle with Flit" (a well-known brand of bug spray).

the NASA accident nobody wants to talk about:

"The year is 1987 and NASA launches the last of America's deep space probes. In a freak mishap Ranger 3 and its pilot Captain William 'Buck' Rogers are blown out of their trajectory into an orbit which freezes his life support systems and returns Buck Rogers to Earth 500 years later."

that is a lot of fucking pain.

cousin brant, look at home.

dragonsnipeyike.jpg 771x435 pixels

Saturday, February 22, 2003

Shanghai Tunnel Michael Jones will hopefully soon be taking you and your group on a tour of Portland's Shanghai Tunnels, a part of Portland's not so proud past. You will hear of the misadventures of many a traveler who came into Portland's Old Town,

If your into the paranormal, you may be in for a few surprises.

Anyone into genealogy may get an idea of what may have happened to poor Uncle Ben, maybe not by name, but maybe by past adventures he may have taken.

The tunnels are now open for tours. To schedule an individual or group tour, contact Michael Jones (e-mail is on the Upcoming Events Page) Tours are priced at eleven dollars per person at this time, with subject to change. Come and relive the accounts that took place so many years ago. You will get caught up in the history! Bob also works alongside Michael giving the ghost tours. Everyone is welcome!

Thursday, February 20, 2003

good Onion this week

The Onion | America's Finest News Source™ Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Alison Forsythe Rusen did this to Ween. And Pizza Hutt did it to Alison Forsythe Rusen.

Where'd The Cheese Go?

Earlier in 2002 we were hired by the largest advertising firm in the country to write music for a Pizza Hut commercial. Pizza Hut had hired them to come up with a whole new image to promote their new Pizza, "The Insider" which had all the cheese inside the crust. In keeping in line with their new cutting edge image, the agency hired Ween to do the music, and we delivered in a big way. Unfortunately, they didn't like a single piece of the 6 tunes we submitted and they had us rewriting the song every day for a couple of weeks before they hired someone else. In my opinion, it is one of the best tunes we wrote all last year. Click on the links below to hear our 2 masterpieces.


cheese2.mp3 ween

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just
stole one and asked him to forgive me. - Emo Philips

Saturday, February 15, 2003

burning man 360 night shot.

Image brad/pano/midpano/bm02nightlong.jpg

Friday, February 14, 2003

Cat Bathing, Simplified Cat Bathing, Simplified

(1) Flush the toilet several times.

(2) Allow toilet to fill with water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.

(3) Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.

(4) Sit on lid. Cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motion, which will also clean out your toilet. Read a magazine while waiting.

(5) Flush the toilet a few times to rinse the cat.

(6) Leap off the toilet seat, dash out the door, and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if powered by a jet engine.

(7) Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Watch TV while waiting.

P.S. Be sure to remove the blue 2000 Flushes from the tank before beginning.

President Bush: Our first goal is to show utter contempt for the environment...

SMOKEHAMMER || audio update

a little off, but i like comic 4, panel 1. | get your war on | page nineteen

watch out boy they'll chew you up.

Pitchfork: Daily Music News What's that you say? Come again? (Thank you, we think we will.) Hall & Oates in Pitchfork? Two times in one week, no less? Oh, c'mon now, don't you know that it was the dynamic and photogenic duo of Daryl Hall & John Oates who first made the successful fusion of Motown soul-flavored pop music that was set to new wave-inspired beats? Okay, so they were from Philadelphia and not from Detroit, but this much is true: While the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Liars and White Stripes put on a public face about the steady influence of the MC5, Wire, Motown, Can, and Neu! on their road to musical self-discovery, we all know that these artists' first exposure to 80s new wave and Detroit soul was through the commercial hits of the 80s. And surely we don't need to remind you how huge Hall & Oates were around that time

From my friend Tess....

Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love. Everything is united by it alone. Love is God, and to die means that I, a particle of love, shall return to the general and eternal source. ???

---Leo Tolstoy

Thursday, February 13, 2003

Crying, crying, masturbating, crying.

The Onion | America's Finest News Source™

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

cop humor. Visiting a member site from CLAY'S TOP COP SITES...

If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the
     wrong house.
7.  Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available
     weapons (kitchen).

11.You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please
      the ones who do.

I'm writing an ad for Law Enforcement magazine.

Cops and Donuts A Brief History: This stereotype comes from the fact that police officers work odd hours when most restaurants and stores are closed. Years ago, the donut shops were all that were open at night. When break time came, these shops were convenient. Consider that donuts are relatively inexpensive, so they can be discarded with little guilt, in case of a hot call in the middle of a snack break.? Donuts have sugar and carbohydrates, which allow for quick energy. Donuts, coupled with the ever present cup of coffee, help keep the officers awake and alert. Donut shops are usually located in centralized areas, which can be used as a meeting place for briefings between officers of different agencies or shifts.

this is just wrong. and i'm not sure in a good way.

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go teens!

Welcome to Comcast High-Speed Internet! NEW YORK (AP) - Teen use of Ecstasy has leveled off, but most American youngsters see no great risk in experimenting with the drug, according to a study released Tuesday by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America.

Terry Tate, office linebacker.

and y'know, next Friday is Hawaiian Shirt day, so, um, you can go ahead and wear Hawaiian Shirts next Friday.
pword= smile

"It's true what they say? There's only one thing better than having a linebacker in your office, and that's having two linebackers in your office." You gotta be in the Hit Squad to watch.

Monday, February 10, 2003

sorry ladies, Mr. Perfect is gone.

OO:  The Ticker (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary...  WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H) February 10, 2003 / 5:00pm
Curt Hennig, Dead at Age 43

Curt Hennig, perhaps best known for his WWF run as "Mr. Perfect" in the late 80s and early 90s, was found dead in a Tampa, FL, hotel room about three hours ago.? He was in Florida to do interviews and help promote a Jimmy Hart-organized event later this week.
At the present time, no foul play is suspected.? Suspicions have already turned to Hennig's love of the party-it-up-on-the-road lifestyle combined with the possibility of recreational drug use motivated by back pain that kept him out of the ring for over a year in the early 90s as possible scapegoats for yet another too-young wrestling death.

Hennig, who came up through the AWA and also had a brief WWF run a little over 20 years ago, really came to national prominence when given the "Mr. Perfect" gimmick in the WWF.? There, he feuded with World Champ Hulk Hogan, and enjoyed lengthy reigns as the InterContinental champ.? As an "executive consultant" he was also key to Ric Flair's lone WWF Title run, before returning to active in-ring duty in 1993 following 18 months off due to a bad back. - Page2 - Airing it out Because Michael Jordan wasn't starting his final NBA All-Star Game, I nearly pulled the plug on my scheduled diary of the game. Too traumatizing. The thought of MJ coming off the bench during a meaningless exhibition, when he could walk onto the court at the start of that same meaningless exhibition ... it was just too much to bear. Don't we have enough to worry about with all the war-terror stuff?

From North Carolina, the next AARP president ...Like a professional, I carried on. That's how MJ would have wanted it, I think. Anyway, the pregame show started at 5 p.m. West Coast time ... I thought it warranted my first-ever running diary from L.A. Here's what transpired:

5 p.m. -- Waiting for the pregame show on ABC ... where is it?

5:01 -- It's not on ESPN, either.

5:02 -- Wow, it's on TNT! Stunning! Apparently the Oxygen Network was busy. I can't believe I missed the 5 o'clock disclaimer, "Our weekly showing of 'Road House' has been postponed tonight to bring you the following TNT Sports presentation."

Nude Shoot After several weeks of postponing our shooting of NO BUSH due to below freezing temperatures in NYC we finally went for it. Of the 80 women who volunteered, 30 made it out in the sub freezing temps this morning. The shoot went down flawlessly, no cops, no problems, no worries, just a lot of fun.

What did the event do? We got the word out!

A print of our own photo shot by Marina Potok will be posted shortly, please check back.

About No Bush

Feb. 7 2003, (7:30am)

30 of us posed nude this morning in NYC's Central Park at Bethesda Fountain. We laid in the snow using our bodies to spell the words NO BUSH and then rearranged to spell WAR. We did this to send a message to people around the world that Bush does not speak for us!

nude people making a statement about their pubic hair. oh, wait, maybe this is a political statement.

nobush-marina-800x600.jpg 800x584 pixels

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

Cue Dudley Moore voice: Gahd, ahm bored!

Boing Boing: A Directory of Wonderful Things "When I was 8 or 9 years old, I acquired a split beaver magazine. You can imagine my disappointment when, upon examination of the photos with a microscope, I found that all I could see was dots."

info on the 'Lovegetty'. i'm assuming that 'Fuckgetty' was already taken.

THE JERUSALEM POST DAILY INTERNET EDITION The Lovegetty tries to integrate the two methods. Lonely Japanese people - presumably single - hang out in crowded spaces like a bar, disco, or even a bus station, holding primed Lovegetties in their fists. The device is tuned to a setting representing the kind of date they are after - a drink, dinner, a little karaoke, or something a bit more intimate. If they are in the presence of another owner of a Lovegetty looking for the same thing, a little green light flashes. Hopefully, when the two parties catch sight of each other's flashing lights, sparks will fly.

Only time will tell if this idea can match the worldwide success of the Tamagochi, and whether it might last a bit longer than that rather short-lived craze. Meanwhile, I'm sure that Japanese research and development teams are already at work on the next technological breakthrough.

One hopes that, next time, they'll take on the real challenge of love and companionship: not simply locating another lonely heart, but learning to keep that relationship going longer than the batteries to the Lovegetty last. The logical follow-up device to the Lovegetty would be a gadget that beeps periodically to remind owners to call their loved ones, buy them flowers, take them out to a romantic dinner - and, once in a while, initiate a conversation that doesn't involve who is taking out the garbage, or picking up the kids from school.

They could call it a "Lovekeepy." I have no doubt it would be a big seller.

Cousin Brant, best wait til you get home to look here.

Welcome to KesselsKramer

All of us at KesselsKramer welcome you to our web site. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to serve homes and businesses in the Amsterdam area and the world.

When you call us you can expect a friendly voice on the phone to listen to you; a fast response; work performed by trained people; and lastly a guarantee of quality work or your money back.


Take a look at some pictures showing some recent quality work we did for the Hans Brinker Budget Hotel in Amsterdam. We service the one and only bath that the hotel has for guests. The bath and our plumbing work has recently been acknowledged in a book and exhibition called "534 Beds and 1 Bathtub" which showed guests from the hotel enjoying this one and only bathtub at the infamous budget hotel.

At KesselsKramer, we know how important good service is to our customers. We are constantly upgrading the way we do business so that we are able to offer you the best service in the industry.

I fucking hated this play, but it makes a good billboard.

Actually, on my AP English exam, our class had read none of the books suggested for the essay (they don't tell you in advance), so I wrote about Death of a Salesman. And made up an extra brother and added a Jerry Bruckheimer ending.

still passed. somehow.

0616a.jpg 309x465 pixels

Rifling the Obie awards show's shitty website with great billboards...

0109c.jpg 710x209 pixels

I want the Yak Cheese Council of America account.

CHEESE.COM - All about cheese!. Cheese is nutritious food made mostly from the milk of cows but also other mammals, including sheep, goats, buffalo, reindeer, camels and yaks.

Monday, February 03, 2003

Hokey Spokes - Bicycle Safety Lights with LED spoke lights for your bike Hokey Spokes Hokey Spokes are transparent "blades" that attach to your bicycle spokes. As these blades spin during riding, a computer inside the blades modulates the internal LED lights so that design images and custom text appear.

The user can decide how many spokes in a variety of colors they want to place on the bicycle wheel. Up to 6 "Blades" can be placed on each wheel. The more blades, the more visibility and persistance of vision at lower speeds. 2 Blades/Wheel look good, 3 Blades/Wheel look great, and more than three look amazing. The rider above has 3 Blades/wheel.