Either I really fear change, or the new format isn't as funny as the old format. I should've wet myself over this:

The Onion | America's Finest News Source™

In the "Other News" column:

Boss' Dick Not Going To Suck Itself

it's a dancin' birthday card!

Me watching Startup.com, would be like a Vietnam vet watching Platoon.

Lasagna Pookie

Garfield grinned at Pookie and reached into the pan of lasagna and scooped up a pawful. "You don't mind if I start without you? Thanks!" He reached over and hugged Pookie in thanks, accidentally getting him covered in lasagna. "Pookie! I told you, your pizza would be here soon. You didn't have to start eating my dinner."

Garfield licked his paw clean while he eyed the cheese, meat and pasta covered bear. "You know, that's a good look for you. It brings out the black in your button eyes and the tomato sauce compliments the thread in your mouth. Pookie..." He paused for a minute and reached out with the paw that still had lasagna on it and brushed it against Pookie's nose. "Gasp. Oh no. Pookie, I got lasagna on your nose. I'm a bad bad cat." Garfield cocked his head to one side, "What? You want me to clean it off? Well if you insist. Besides, lasagna should never be wasted."

He took a step forward until he was nose to nose with Pookie. He flicked his tongue lightly several times over Pookie's nose, until it was free of lasagna bits. When he finished, he sat back on his haunches, "Mmmmm you taste good, Pookie. What? You want me to clean the rest of you off too?" He grinned a Cheshire grin. "I'd love too." He stretched out a paw, pulled Pookie to him and purred, "Have I ever told you how much I love lasagna?" He continued to purr as he began to lick Pookie's neck and then down his
chest, his rough tongue causing the bear's fur to stand up in tufts. When he reached Pookie's waist he stopped and stared at the area he just finished cleaning. He reached out and stroked a paw down Pookie's chest, his claws half out, leaving thin, slight trails in the bears fur. "You should bathe in tomato sauce from now on. It's made your fur soooo soft." 

www.mnftiu.cc | get your war on | page twelve

comic 5, panel 2: People laugh at me for keeping m y money in a big tin bucket. Well you know what? A big tin bucket is not gonna fucking lie to me about its financial performance.

Whooohoooh! Britney's pullin' a Capriati.

Yahoo! News - Embattled Britney Bails on Concert Embattled Britney Bails on Concert
Mon Jul 29, 6:45 PM ET

By Marcus Errico

Already under fire for flipping off photographers last week, Britney Spears inexplicably bailed on her concert Sunday night in Mexico City--exiting the stage without explanation after just five songs...

Blah, blah, blah, paparazzi, smoking, f-bomb, Justin dumps her, blah, blah, blah...

Then Britney (channeling Alanis, I think - btw, is this all just a marketing rebranding?) says, "I think I am just going to take six months off and just have Britney time and just do what Britney wants to do."

I've been saying the *exact* same quote for a long time now.

Yahoo! Sports: NFL - Kids selling drinks and cookies booted out of Redskins camp

Five children were kicked out of the Washington Redskins practice area for selling drinks and cookies to fans going to see the team practice.

Nine-year-old Henry Kohler; his brother, Sam, 11; sister, Hannah, 7; and two friends were told on Wednesday to leave the grounds of Biddle Field at Dickinson College, where the team was holding training camp.

``I don't know what the big deal was,'' Henry said. ``We were just sitting there. We weren't bothering anybody.''

During the first two days of training camp, the children said they made $112 from their stand at the public entrance to Biddle Field. But then security guards told them to leave after vendors inside the stadium complained.

Their 16-ounce bottles of water and cans of soda were going for $1, half the price that vendors were charging inside. Their friends, Robert Gilroy, 10, and Eric Cantor, 11, were charging $1 for three homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Nick Stamos(no relation), Dickinson College vice president of operations, said the issue was one of liability. The school could be held responsible if people got sick from the food the children were selling, he said. Further, he added, "I'm complete shithead and I hate kids."

``We don't have a problem with them selling water,'' Stamos said. ``They just can't do it on campus.''

The kids, however, did not admit defeat.

Sam Kohler said they were considering selling their drinks from a wagon that they would pull around the outside of the stadium.


I think that this ends with a Redskins player, or perhaps asshole owner (yet PR savvy) Daniel Snyder, buying a couple of cookies for $1000.

This from one of the media people at my agency:

Paul McCartney will be playing his first Portland show since he was with the Beatles in 1965!
He'll be at the Rose Gardenon October 18th.Tickets go on sale this Saturday and we have the option to purchase them in the top two price ranges.The ticket price is high...the floor & 100 level seats are $260 each and part of the 200 & 300 level seats are $135 each.

Fucking hell, that's almost as much as a pair of new Jordan sneakers.

I think maybe Paul is saving up to buy his wife a new leg.

I ran into my friend Deidre in NW Portland today. Her car had just been egged, for no apparent reason.

Later, this guy just drove by in a yellow Beetle with a vanity license plate "YOLK". There's never been someone who was more deserving of getting egged. If you get caught, I'm pretty sure that you could claim Just Cause and walk like OJ.

CNN.com - Asteroid may hit Earth but don't panic yet
------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------

LONDON (AP) -- Astronomers are carefully monitoring a newly discovered 1.2-mile-wide (2 km) asteroid to see whether it is on a collision course with Earth.

Initial calculations indicate there is a chance the asteroid known as 2002 NT7 will hit the Earth on February 1, 2019.


Spend the next 17 years wisely, my friends.

Ice-T to promote safe sex ice cream - NME.COM

ICE-T has signed up as the national spokesman for POSSE POPS, an American ice cream that promotes safe sex.

The ice cream is the brainchild of Ben and Jerry's alumni Rick Brown. The ice cream's packaging carries educational messages on safe sex and warnings about illegal drugs.


Um, what does a 'Posse' have to do with 'safe sex'?

Closing paragraph:

Ice-T's involvement in the campaign comes shortly after Ozzy Osbourne announced that he will be launching a range of condoms as part of the merchandising opportunities arising from his hit family reality TV show The Osbournes.

Cut to Ozzy and Sharon in the bedroom.
Ozzy (fumbling with condom): Ah carnt, but the BLEEPing thing open, aarhwwhlereljljk BLEEP.

Several minutes pass in this fashion.

Ozzy: JAAAACCCK! Get in here! I can't get this damn thing to work.

Lyrics: A Horse With No Name

as has been said, if you're riding through the desert for 9 days with nothing to do, can't you spend the time to name the damn horse?

in that same spirit, i'm bored shitless at work and refusing to fill out my time sheet.

Russian Mail Order Brides

Russian Women:
View Western Men

Why Russian Mail Order Brides is superior
for meeting Russian women

Why date/marry
a Russian woman?

I think that The Onion might have officially jumped the shark with their new redesign.

May I suggest SatireWire.com instead?

SatireWire | RELIGIOUS MERGER CREATES 900 MILLION HINJEWS
RELIGIOUS MERGER CREATES 900 MILLION HINJEWS
Attainment of Nirvana Still Goal, But Not So Important
That You Should Miss Cousin Vijay's Bar Mitzvah

New Delhi, India (SatireWire.com) - Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked out as planned, as instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers

With all of the mullet talk going around, i wonder why James Earl Jones haircut in Conan the Barbarian has been forgotten so.

from Hammer & Tongs, the production company/directors who made that silent sigh video.

  Tongsville - the trip of a lifetime! . .:. .::. .:::. .::. .:. . . 'hand made by robots' @ preloaded

btw, i think my idea of heaven is life as an endless replay with happy ending.

Exclusive: Watch the full video for Badly Drawn Boy's new single from 'About A Boy' soundtrack watch film trailer - NME.COM

I can't get it out of my head. Replay with happy ending (after extensive focus group testing).

Some more NME verbiage:
"What a strange meeting of minds this is. On the one hand, there's Nick Hornby, who writes books about people who listen to records, and on the other Damon Gough, who's now writing records for films of books about peole who listen to records...

It's Badly Drawn Boy's first work since his debut album, 'The Hour Of Bewilderbeast' landed the Mercury Music Prize in June 2000. The film adaptation of Nick Hornby's quite popular novel has been scored entirely by Gough and is due for release as an original long-playing record in early April. You'll no doubt be pleased to hear the album is a cracker, packed as it is, with much Mr Gough loveliness.

Want a sneak preview? Good good. You can watch the video for 'Silent Sigh' if you click here . probably.

A teenage Jesus to Joseph: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!

Jesus teenage wigger years: LL Cool J (Lepers Love...)

I still have hope for this daughter [teen who got pregnant and had an abortion after much argument and indecision]. I am astounded at the number of women who have told me about getting pregnant or running away with drug dealers who still grew up to be lawyers, businesspeople and mothers. Adolescence is like a fever: usually it breaks; sometimes it doesn't; often it leaves scars.
-from NYTimes Sunday Mag 'Lives' 7/7/2

(check the punctuation in that last sentence - wicked stuff.)

"Let's see how high we can fly before the sun melts the wax on our wings/ Let's see how fast we can go before our eyes can't follow the road."

yes, they rolled me into the ward in a wheelchair, even though my legs weren't the problem. But I walked out the next day.

Of course, I wasn't, but I was pretty sure I was better off than anyone else there. Not better, mind you, but better off. That is, my muscles weren't made rigid by anti-schizophrenic drugs. I wasn't drooling. And whenever I spoke, I did so with another person.

40 is the new 30, y'know.

Welcome to Neko Revolution!!

apparently, in my past life I was a philosopher-nudist king.

what are you?

Everybody to the Limit "fhqwhgads"

It's the number 1 summer jam, yo.

PopMatters Music Feature | Manchild Revisited: Race Crusader or Falling Star? Michael "the self proclaimed King of Pop" Jackson has a complaint to make, and when this happens, people listen. Online journals like the Drudge Report can't wait to print Jackson's pronouncements, while rags like the New York Post (one step up from the gutter) can't wait to further discredit the now pathetic megalomaniac singer who won't accept the fact that these days most consider him to be an irrelevant freak show. But our very own modern Howard Hughes still sells in the low millions, still has fans and can't be totally dismissed. We all still wanna know the inside scoop on him, although we think we already know. And with Michael we do want blood because he has been so transparently phony and disingenuous, from his staged marriage to Lisa Marie Presley to his denials of misconduct with young boys. Anyway, today let's all be good citizens and hear what the 'once-great-always-great' music manchild has to say. Whatever Michael is these days, be it a suspected closet gay, or accused recalcitrant pedophile, or a knight in rusted armor out to save the record business, let's analyze his anti-music biz complaint very closely and be fair to him and Sony Music, too, although they deserve very little from me. (More on that later).

My boss today was talking about an email that an industry colleague had sent out to near unanimous ridicule. He was offering to help people with their writing projects, but had a shitload of grammatical errors in the email. AND the dumbass didn't hide all of the other email addresses that he had sent the email to. so, REPLY ALL was in full-effect, with a torrent of sarcasm.

This is what my boss said, "Well, Eric hit reply all and was just blasting Joel for all of the grammarical errors."

I only wish he had emailed that response instead of saying it.

i've been in a fucking great mood lately. so good that i feel ok stealing a line from from of all people, Vladamir Putin, ex-KGB chief, now the President of Russia. He's a seemingly dour man, and while being interviewed by a young female American journalist who was probably just a little intimidated, he had the following exchange:

Putin: Hello.
Journalist: Hello, Mr. President
Putin (nods).
Journalist (gulping): How are you doing sir?
Putin: do you want to know the truth?
Journalist (hesitantly): yes?
Putin (leaning in): I'm doing fantastic.
And then he winked.

I don't know what it is: the weather, the anti-depressants kicking in, a lot of fun stuff going on, or what, but i've been on a 3 or 4 week good mood.

yeeeehaaah!

it's Hasselhoff Friday.

David Hasselhoff is the AntiChrist Lifeguards: Denizens of the Underworld

These biblical revelations will show that the lifeguards on Baywatch are foretold as servants of the Devil. (Need I say who that is again?)

Rev 20:11And I saw a great white throne, and him that sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away; and there was found no place for them

Rev 20:13And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them...

Doesn't this sound like an exact description of what the lifeguards on Baywatch do? They sit on their big white wooden throne, and watch out over the sea -- waiting for a dying person to get cast up.

david hasselhoff online The tragedy of Sept. 11 ripped life apart for thousands of families and friends. From donating blood to sending cash or providing tips and info to the FBI, here are ways you can help.

You really *have* to see the graphic at the top of this page. If I can get it airbrushed onto my Ford F-150, I'll die a happy man.

This really was supposed to be about David checking into the Betty Ford center, but I don't know if this stuff can be topped.

A search on google gave this web page match:
David Hasselhoff, un acteur, un producteur, un grand chanteur

but the site's closed. I'd like to be a grand chanteur someday.

"Oh my God! There's an axe in my head."

Dios mio! Hay un hacha en mi cabeza!

While on a walk tonight, I came across a 3 legged shitzu with a baritone bark. And I said to myself, "Poor pup."

Then I realized that it was OK to feel pity for a dog with a missing leg, but not OK to show pity for a *person* with a missing leg.

Got to hear Walter Mosley speak and read last night at Powell's.

While walking in, the nice Powell's clerk let me bring my backpack upstairs. She made me promise not to steal any rare art books because it'd be bad karma.

I told her that the number one most stolen book from bookstores is the Bible.

Dr. Leisure's Top Ten Nude Beaches (clothing optional) for 2001 Sauvie Island's North end on the Columbia River


From Portland, go 10 miles northwest on US 30. Turn right over Sauvie Island bridge. Buy a parking pass at the store at the bottom of the bridge, then continue beyond the store for 1.8 miles. Turn right on Reeder Road and go 10.7 miles until it becomes gravel (passing Reeder Beach and Walton Beach, both clothing required.). About 0.3 miles on the gravel road, watch for signs on the right, "Collins Beach, Clothing Optional Area, Nudity on Beach Only."? (WG page 100)

My friend Alison is having a croquet party on Sunday on Sauvie Island. I don't think that it's on this beach though.

Happy Birthday Alison!

that didn't work.

MicroForm Chit Juan too Juan too
MicroForm Chit Juan too Juan too

My Crow Foam Chick, Want to, Want to

My Crow Foam Chick, Want to, Want to

new format test

Mike Row Phone Check Won Too
Mike Row Phone Check Won Too

I was at Powell's last night, and it occurred to me that I consume intoxicants exactly the way I used to consume books.

Maybe that'll change now that I'm almost 30.

This is my friend Tess. She's 70 feet tall in Times Square right now. and she'll be about 2 feet tall in Rolling Stone soon. But she's no Joey Harrington. 8^)

Apple - Switch - Ads - Tess Bethune When Tess Bethune started her own business and bought an Apple computer, she found that it increased productivity in every aspect of her life.

Cousin Brant's commentary on the spelling bee girl:

"Yaaaaay! I'm not gonna be electricuded! Yaaaaay!"

Ginsu + Alcohol

Old friend Kevin rolling through town on his way cross-country back from Suburban hell Tampa, and new friends Jayanta, Kelly (Urbaca facial master) and Regan all had dinner with me last Wednesday night at local sushi restaurant Obi.

Among Portland sushianados, Obi is known for being of a certain acceptable quality, albeit with slow service.

We rolled in around 9pm and were the only ones in the restaurant. Kelly and Regan had arrived first, and were facing towards the sushi bar, making me take a seat with my back to the door, anti-Mafia style.

The waiter there is some skinny hippie dude. The busboy doesn't speak English well, or isn't very bright, or perhaps simply has problem with math and order fulfillment. The sushi chef/owner is an aging Japanese man the color of wet bamboo.

After we go through a long ordering 'process', in which the hippie forgets to ask me what i want, the hippie turns to go and then thinks better of it. He turns back to us, and says, "I know you guys have just gone through the ordering process, but I just want to let you know that we can't guarantee any of the food." We take this to mean that maybe they're running out of different fish, like maybe they might not have any Hamachi in the back, or perhaps there's a competing order that may exhaust all available seaweed supplies.

We clearly state that we want the rolls as they come out, and not to wait until the entire order is ready.

45 minutes later, the first roll comes out. A 'Crazy roll' – avocado, eel, crab – but i use the term 'roll' in the loosest sense of the word. Neither hand nor chopstick nor Act of God could keep those things together. It resembled some kind of sushi caserole. Hey, there's a good idea.

Perhaps it was just the record 98 degree heat that made the whole thing fall apart.

45 minutes later, after numerous requests to hippie waiter to bring the rolls as they come, the next two rolls arrive. At this point, Kevin is bemoaning west coast service and longing for the corporate mandated attentiveness at Hooter's & Outback Steakhouse.

They're both Spider rolls, but one is inside out, and the other one is *really* dry. Or vice versa.

At this point, Kelly who is an aesthetician(i'm sure i misspelled that – what does the Bill Gates Dictionary (Abridged) say? erm, nothing), and thus an expert in faces and skin, says, "He's totally fucked up!"

Boy howdy, was he. He was doing some weird drunken sushi master Hokey Pokey like dance. He would wobble and then reach toward an ingredient, think better of it, bring the hand back in, wobble some more and then reach toward the item again. And… repeat. He was pasty faced and mouth-breathing. Four sheets to the wind. Etc.

And holding a ginsu the whole time.

We were worried about getting Japanese finger sushi (aka yakuza roll). The next roll was supposed to be a 'Tunafornia' – california roll with tuna wrapped around the outside – but it looked more like he had taken taken a california roll, spackled it with tuna and then had it cut by a cubist.

Obi is saying a bunch of stuff, but it's unclear if it's in Japanese or English

By now, we're giggling hysterically, barely picking at the sushi. (Mathematical formula – raw fish + 100 degree day + drunken cook = no fucking way) We ask the hippie to cancel any orders that are theoretically coming down the pike. He says that's cool and that he won't charge us for the new rolls. Nothing is mentioned about the deformed rolls that we've already disdained.

Kelly than works up the nerve to ask for confirmation of inebriation. The hippie laughs and says yes. Further questions yield the following information: Since 10 am. Beer. About twice per month. More lately - he's going through hard times.

Then, a cute young twentysomething couple on date number two or three come in and attempt to sit at the sushi bar. The drunken sushi master waves them off with a very samuraiesque, "No." In a rare fit of attentiveness, the busboy grabs them as they uncertainly start to walk out and sits them across from us.

We're frantically trying to get their attention, which with the giggling must look like some kind of mass epileptic fit, which if you think about it, should scare them off, too. The hippie waiter quickly comes running over to their table (department of disaster mitigation) as Obi starts to yell at the busboy in an alcoholic rampage. Interestingly, the sushi chef is coherent enough to realize that he has neither the desire nor the dexterity to continue making sushi.

Obi (to busboy): Hai. No. Ugglebwwwaarrrgh. (POUNDS ON TOP OF SUSHI BAR).

Busboy (in fantastic English): "Hey, fuck you, man. You can't talk to me that way. Drunk mother fucker. Fuck off."

The cute couple still looks confused, but they finally make eye contact and we all do the overly obvious look from them to the door, the cutting-off at the neck sign and get the fuck out of here signs. Laughing, they finally leave.

Including alcohol and tip (really, giving somebody money for putting up with their bosses' shit is the pity fuck of dining out), $12 a pop.

In the end, we left hungry, but this is the one sushi meal we'll remember after 5 years of living in Portland.

ESPN.com - Page2 - Mail without a 3-cent increase My three favorite reader ideas:

.1. Jim Z. in Minnesota: "My friends and I were talking the other day and we've decided that MTV needs to make a show called 'Clubbin' with Mark Madsen.' Think of the comedy ... it would blow everything out of the water. An MTV crew could just follow the Lakers and Madsen around the country. Each week there could be a new NBA player to serve as co-host with him. Think of the great moves guys such as Vlade Divac, Todd MacCulloch and other big, uncoordinated, white guys could showcase. They could even bring some guys out of retirement, like Bryant 'Big Country' Reeves. It would certainly be a huge ratings winner. I would even get HBO if they carried that series. Why isn't this show in production right now?

CNN - Excited Brooklyn girl wins National Spelling Bee with 'euonym' - May 29, 1997 Excited Brooklyn girl wins National Spelling Bee with 'euonym'

May 29, 1997
Web posted at: 6:23 p.m. EDT (2223 GMT)

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- A giddy and relieved Rebecca Sealfon carefully shouted each letter of the word "euonym" to win the 70th National Spelling Bee on Thursday.

check the quicktime video.

and i deserve to go to the special section of hell reserved for priests and R. Kelly, but Rebecca's 18 now, and probably spelling different things.

maybe she's a child prodigy gone bad like one of the Tenenbaums. which, incidentally, i can never spell correctly.

Google had this to say to me after looking for the Royal Tennebaums:
Did you mean to search for: Royal Tenenbaums  

The World Adult Kickball Association

Eric ePro: That gets my vote for the most annoying song ever.

Me: More than Pac-Man Fever?

Eric ePro: Oh. I'm not sure.

The World Adult Kickball Association

Remember when you were just a kid way back in fifth grade
Learnin' how to play the game that your best friends played
Well, it only took a time or two
Till you were meetin' everyday after school
Now the game that you loved back then is back again today

Chorus:
                EVERYBODY LOVES KICKBALL
                EVERYBODY LOVES KICKBALL
                When the sun is out and the sky is blue
                There is nothin' else that I would rather do
                Than play kickball
                EVERYBODY LOVES KICKBALL

Now, I'm way out here in left field 'cause there's a Big Kid up
We're playin' in a tournament game for the Founders Cup
Now, that red ball's comin' at me
I make the winning catch down on my knees
Well, whoever said havin' fun had to be kid stuff?

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge:
                And when the game is over and the cheers have all died down
                We'll head on over to Kelly's and have a few rounds

(Repeat Chorus)

The World Adult Kickball Association

Become A Part of One of WAKA's New Divisions
WAKA is working to start new divisions in dozens of cities across the United States. There is still room for players and teams to join for this season. Some of the works in progress are listed below. Whether or not you see your area listed, just drop a message to newdivisions@worldkickball.com to get set up.

*Portland, OR *

the World Kickball Association

Some rules that bear mentioning:

8. PITCHING / CATCHING
8.01 No bouncies. A pitch that is higher than one foot at the plate, and called as such, results in a ball.

16. GHOST MEN
16.01 Ghost men are not allowed.

Swastikas for Sweeps Mr. Moonves found himself justifying the aesthetic sensibility of a network that is touting, as two high-profile acquisitions, Young Hitler and young hotties on the annual Victoria's Secret lingerie show.

"You know, Victoria's Secret, it's a lark, it's an hour of programming," he said. "It's fun. See how much conversation we're getting about a one-hour special."

But Mr. Moonves did not seem to have a ready answer when asked what kind of company might want to advertise or underwrite the Hitler miniseries. "Volkswagen?" murmured one TV writer sarcastically.

If Young Hitler is a success, opportunistic programmers will decide that the key to understanding the great dictator's twisted soul is in his potty training.


Which can't help but recall one of the best Onion headlines of all time, in their Our Dumb Century book:

HITLER COMMITS SUICIDE
Ravaging of Europe a 'Desperate Cry for Help,' say Therapists.

Fuhrer's Slaughter of Millions Blamed on 'Serious Self-Esteem Issues'
'If only we had known how much he was hurting on the inside,' FDR says.

The Downtown We Don't Want After months of planning behind closed doors, the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation released six draft proposals yesterday for rebuilding the World Trade Center site. The spokesmen assured the public that the plans, which are all remarkably similar, were just a starting point for discussion.

That's a good thing, because these are dreary, leaden proposals that fall far short of what New York City and the world expect to see rise at ground zero.

The public will never be satisfied with any redevelopment that contains as much commercial space as the site did before Sept. 11.

For some time now the families of victims have asked that the footprints of the two towers be reserved for a memorial. But the proposals that resulted from that directive seemed the least imaginative of all. Having a spectacular memorial that touches the hearts of everyone who passes by is the critical goal...


It's all still so surreal. I've not been to NYC since the attacks, although I've got a wedding there in August.

I'm kinda dreading September 11 this year. Shouldn't we all have the day off?

in case you were wondering

per·di·tion   Pronunciation Key  (pr-dshn)
n. 1. a. Loss of the soul; eternal damnation.
b. Hell: “Him the Almighty Power/Hurl'd headlong... /To bottomless perdition, there to dwell” (John Milton).

2. Archaic. Utter ruin.

Wow, the Road to Perdition is like a windy road on the salt flats; sure, there's curves, but you still know exactly what's coming.

oh, forgot this one from Sobier:

nannybangin'

CNN.com - Plans offer 6 options to rebuild Ground Zero - July 16, 2002

there's a section where you can vote on your favorite.

interestingly, my favorite was also the overwhelming favorite.

i used to go to the mall every Friday night in Houston in middle school. the food court was huge, and it was all one story. EXCEPT for the Chick-Fil-A (mmmmm, chick-fil-a) which had a second story with a balcony. we would get our Chick-Fil-A's, and waffle fries and cokes and sit-up there and scope out which chicks we wanted to hit on.

the sad truth: in 2+ years i was only able to get one phone number from a girl, and it turns out that she liked my friend.

3 new words:

mormonque

cockupuncture

angsting

the first two don't currently have any matches on google

Robin Williams take on the Pledge of Allegiance controversy:

"Why don't they change it to 'one nation under Canada'? Or, 'over Mexico'? That way, everybody's happy."

BLOGGER IS FUCKING UP.
(sorry about the delay in network time killers)

"Once the mind has been expanded by a new idea, it can never regain its former size."

that'd be Oliver Wendell Holmes, Holmes.

there should be a link to something, but i'm lazy and in a post-burrito mental coma.

oh, wait, try this ol thing.

Bryant, Adidas end sponsorship deal

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Kobe Bryant and Adidas decided on Monday not to exercise a two-year extension to their sponsorship deal, leaving the Los Angeles Lakers guard without a shoe endorsement.

A joint statement issued by Bryant and Adidas gave no reason for the end of the deal.

Sources within adidas say that Kobe was unhappy with his current image and was looking to be portrayed as more of a "punk ass bitch".

Sesame Street to introduce HIV-positive Muppet

Sometimes the way the world's innocence is corrupted makes me sad.

Damn this is cool summer wear.

The Messaging Cap.
This floppy hat has a programmable LCD in the front panel above the wearer's forehead. Up to 10 messages can be programmed to scroll by, such as: "Go team!" or "Score again!" Individual messages can be programmed up to 250 characters. Select one, or let all ten messages scroll across. Use the entire alphabet as well as symbols and numbers. The display is extremely thin and lightweight, and is removable for hat cleaning. Four buttons on the top of the display control all functions. Runs on a single long-life lithium battery (included). Combined 895-character limit for all messages. Cotton hat and plastic LCD display. One size fits most. In Khaki or Black.

Working on figuring out how to allow replies and comments. Or in Southern: "I reckon I'm fixing to figger that out."

well, shit. the op-ed pages are a wealth of soundbites today:
The United States, however much Mr. Bush may deplore it, is a land of moral relativism, leading the political scientist Alan Wolfe of Boston College to conclude that the Ten Commandments have become the Ten Suggestions...

I'm off to covet the neighbor's wife.

Can a Bush born on third base but thinking he hit a triple ever really understand the problems of the guys in the bleachers?

Irony is too dead.

Is not.

Oh. Good point.

OK, when you're at a dining establishment, and you're walking in between tables and you and a server(nee waitress) reach an intersection at the same time, the customer should ALWAYS have the right of way. We're the guests, so we get privelege.

This differs from a bar/nightclub, where the cocktail server should always receive the right of way, at least as long as you're not bulletproof drunk. Then you enter into this weird netherworld of gravity relativism - whoever is more likely to tumble to the ground receives priority; you, the drunk, listing badly to starboard, or the tray-laden waitress skittering across beer-puddled linoleum.

Mmmmmmm. Beer.

Kudos to Mr. Mike Ward aka Pugilist Specialist for putting up some Forsythe-Rusen wedding photos. If you weren't there, the champagne toast was replaced by a tequila toast. A bunch of different things ensued.

Two "I woke up so early that MTV was actually playing videos" thoughts:

1. Weezer shooting with the Muppets?
2. Chad Smith of the Chili Peppers looks a lot like Will Farrell.
3. Irv Gotti makes me long for the early Puff Daddy days. Really.

This week's Point/Counterpoint:

"To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in the suffering."
-DMX "Slippin'"

"Doo-dooo- de-dooo-dooo. Mahna Mahna! Doo-doo-de-dooo! Mahna Mahna!"
-Muppets "Mahna Mahna"

When reading the NYTimes Op-Ed section, I keep feeling the requisite outrage/hope/empathy/fear (one if reading Maureen, two if reading Mr. Pulitzer) but feel as if there's nothing that i can really *do*.

I mean, really, unless I can get someone to *poll* me, how can i affect what the president(aka veep), my senator, rep, etc. will do? Is there a way to sign up for Gallup's phone list?

An admission: as not really invested in living in Oregon, I don't have a clue who my Rep is, and have to think long and hard about who my Senators would be.

The longest recorded flight by a chicken is 13 seconds.

Keep trying my short-winged friends.



Mmmmmmmmmm. Chicken wings.

There's a poll on the BurningMan-PDX yahoo! group, with 2 questions so far:

1. Are you there?

Yes
No
No
No
No
No
No
No

2. When are you going to BurningMan?

with many answers including some after the event ends.

my big questions are:

How much E did you take last year?
How many sexual acts did you take part in?
How many times have you found yourself inappropriately naked this past year, thinking it was the Burn?

Life ain't fair or unfair enough on a consistent enough basis to alter behavior accordingly.

The Rafael Palmeiro Viagara commercial is on TV right now. "I take batting practice. I take fielding practice. I take Viagara!"

Apparently Rafi got paid $2 million for the ribbing he would take on the field and in the dugouts. (My assumption here is that he actually does take Viagara.) And the news has just been leaked that they originally offered Edgar Martinez (Seattle Mariners) the $2 mil.

Now, hasn't Edgar gotten the worst of all worlds? He now is $2 million short, and is getting ribbed by his teammates for taking Viagara.

And why is Viagara suddenly targeting the impotent Hispanics of the world? (shaddup)

I'm going to butcher somebody else's quote about ballplayers, but it goes something like this: "If a baseball player had leukemia and his teammates found out, it wouldn't be long before his teammates all started calling him 'Luke'."

What's Rafael's new nickname?

To quote someone else without credit:

"This is the first Fourth of July ever where you could wear a Stars'n'Stripes shirt and not feel ridiculous."

How about a Stars'n'Stripes thong?

I just got done reading The Miracle Life of Edgar Mint, which has a gem of a first sentence:

"If I could tell you only one thing about my life it would be this: when I was seven years old the mailman ran over my head."

Funny, poignant stuff. I think every 10th page is dogeared for some turn of phrase or wry observation.

Ends with a Filipino woman. [NOT A SPOILER, REALLY]

I turn 30 in 3 weeks. And this is what i want more than anything else: To establish contact with my Filipino/Spanish birthmother.

To paraphrase Nas:

When I am elected(named) president(generalissimo), The Onion will NOT, I repeat, NOT be allowed to go on break. Ever.

Paraphrased headline of the week: "Naked area man loudly proclaims Golden God status."

'Member Skee-Lo?

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller...

Anyway, clever bedroom dj's are putting him on top of all sorts of music these days. For example, check out soulwax.com and click on downloads (very cool site, btw, in an "All your base are belong to us" kinda way). I think that it's one of the defender spaceships on the bottom of the screen. Audiogalaxy woulda been easier, but well, (sigh).

Last thought: Is Skee-Lo related to J-Lo?

How many other dumb bloggers will be linking to this site? Many many.

Important turkey news!

You can also go straight to the movie:
http://www.ul.com/turkeyfryers/fryer.mpg

quite frankly, i never buy anything that doesn't have the trusted UL mark of approval.

btw, how fun would it be to blow up turkey fryers for a living?

One of my crack team of therapists just told me about Erikson's theories of child development. As a sidebar, she mentioned that Erikson had done experiments where he had given boys and girls a bunch of blocks to play with. The girls would make enclosures, and the boys would build towers.

The Forsythe-Rusen wedding was easily the best wedding that i've ever been to.

When everyone watching the ceremony is either crying or laughing, or both, you know things are good. I'm so very happy for Hart and Alison. (full disclosure: I was in the laughing camp).

Highlight of the ceremony: Hart: In February we got together for the first time. In March, you dumped me. In April, we got back together. In May you dumped me. In June we got back together, and then you haven't dumped me since then.

Or something to that effect.

Thanks to Shirley for having us over. Thanks to the Lavendar Duck for hosting us.