Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I don't know what source of entertainment you look forward to each week, but for me, it's The Onion.

Yeah, yeah, it comes out on Tuesday, but I'm only going to get to enjoy once a week, and Tuesday is too damn early.

Wednesday, at best represents the end of 60% of the work week. Still, too early, but the goddamned has been removed from my mental description thereof.

Thursday is a good day for reading the Onion, especially when we're closing in on the end of the day. A Friday without the Onion? I can live with that.

Friday's a little more problematic. It's easy to lose track of an unread Onion, what with the hangover and the making of the weekened plans and whatnot. And honestly, if you wait til 3:30-4 to read The Onion, you've really lost all of the 'making work more bearable' goodness that the Onion provides.

For max appreciation, you've got to read the Onion before lunch on Friday. During a Carne Asada/Chicken Tikka Masala food coma is nearly as good. Nothing clears away the cumin cobwebs like satire.

As far as this week's Onion, here's my favorite story, buried in the local news. Sam Moses, you are not alone.

Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

* Connellsville, PA—Rickey Grove decided that he would only attend the Fayette County Fair on the condition that his friends allowed him to drive drunk.

* Sarasota, FL—Although he has given careful consideration to all the new information he received in kindergarten class, five-year-old Sam Moses decided Monday that he simply doesn't want to live in a world without force fields."