When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "And isn't crystal meth basically just chemicals, man? Don't you have to set up a bunch of flasks and beakers and Bunsen burners in your kitchen and boil down a ton of stuff to get maybe half-an-ounce of the shit? Whatever. Sounds boring. Of course, I'm all coca leaves, 100 percent natural, made with love in the jungles of Colombia.

Jesus fucking Christ, I'm so much better I could go on for pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages.

Three great things about me: Uno, you can snort big fat lines of me wherever there's a flat surface, from mom's vanity mirror to the disco bathroom. Dos, it's always been my personal guarantee that you will be the sharpest, funniest, hottest, fiercest, whip-fucking-smartest motherfucker in the place. Tres, no open sores. Might have some nose-cartilage issues, but nothing anyone can actually see.

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