Condoms!

From Maxim's World of Sex:

Story: Finally! Condoms strange enough for even your twisted sex life.

Maxim, April 2002

Consent Condom
The wrapper records a woman’s fingerprints as she tears tabs that document the day, month, and year of your unromantic encounter. It’s designed to prevent fraudulent charges of sexual impropriety—and since no woman would agree to use the thing, it works like a charm.
(Insert (get it? huh? get it? your own Kobe joke here. Or better yet in the comments page. Best joke gets a signed picture of Cousin Brant.)
Inspiral Condom
If a rubber got cancer, it’d look like this. The end of the inSpiral features a lopsided circle of extra latex that supposedly brings guys more pleasure. Just be sure to warn her first or she’ll think you had a terrible circumcision accident as a baby.
(Side note from the shopcondom.com website: InSpiral condoms provide spring action. The curves of this sprial[sic] shape create an unmatched, exquisite sliding and ultra frictional sensation all around the tip of the condom. "Spring action? ... the fuck?"

KISS Kondom
What better way to rock’n’roll all night than to sport a raincoat endorsed by old guys in makeup? Choose from three types: “Love Gun Protection,” the vaguely homoerotic “Paul Studded,” and the downright horrifying “Gene Flavored.”
(Ick. Ick. Ick. Even I have lines that can be crossed.)

There. I feel better.