Hello, Insomnia, My Old Friend

First, blogging from a mac is just enough more difficult to make it a pain in the ass from freelance work. Apologies on the lack of torridity. (torpitude?)

I was forced tonight to watch 4 Weddings & A Funeral, in order to write headlines for ads pushing the DVD version of the movie. First, Hugh Grant makes bad things happen to my GI system. Second, Annie MacDowell is just awful. Third, well, I dunno, but it got me thinking again about Big Things. Which is interesting timing, and, perhaps, a bit trite and pathetic. But...

It seems like a chapter of my life is closing, and a new one is beginning. I remember when I use to think with such Hope & Optimisim in Change during such occasions. Moving was a joy, an adventure. "Everything Must Go. Anything is Possible." that actually was close to being a tattoo at one point.

I used to ask Big Questions. Kept a daily journal (Artists' Way - find yer own link). Thought the world was a place full of possibility and endless wonder.

Now I'm ok with the thought of a nice salary and online video games to pass the time. (XBox/Halo2 link goes here).

I doubt Big Answers will make their way to me over a nationwide video game platform. Perhaps I am wrong in this.

My friend Kate has been cursed/blessed/given/received epiphanies the past 2 years at Burning Man. Maybe it's her age; maybe it's her attitude. It's been rough on the poor girl (I love you Kate - whatever and whenever you need someone, i'm only a phone call or 2 hour flight away), but I still envy her these experiences and feelings. Isn't that what life's supposed to be like?

I'm hoping that the move down here, a new home, new routine, and most importantly, a health care plan that doesn't scare away doctors, can help change my outlook. A New Hope, if you will. (Star Wars DVD link goes here.)

Been listening to new CDs from The Music and The Open, both, unfortunately, import only. But downloaders can snag 'Just Want to Live' and 'Lost' from the Open, and 'Into the Night' and 'Fight the Feeling' from The Music from their friendly neighborhood peer2peer service. Incidentally, Ben Fong-Torres looks exactly like the singer from The Music.

Hmmm. Ranting in the middle of the night. Where the fuck are my sleeping pills. Ah, there they are.

In short, I'm looking for a hope that there's hope that there's hope. And that's three steps removed from Big Questions.

Remember a quote that hit me my first time around in Portland. In a book about child abuse (foster care? the damaged memory deceives) the dedication said, "In a dream you saw a way to survive, and were filled with joy."

I went back to Puddletown this weekend, and while waiting for Marc Sobier to pick me up and take me back to the airport, I realized that I'll miss it. I'll miss the people, the comfort, the townness, the ability to have conversations with people on the street. I'll miss all the things that I did and accomplished, and all of the things that might have been. And I'll feel a debt of gratitude to everyone in this little oasis of goodness, and feel bad that their joy didn't raise me higher. I'll wake at night to names I can't remember and haven't seen in forever and wonder what's become of you.

So, um, there.