New drug: Prescription anti-depressant Colpacetic

Just saw an ad in my freshly delivered USA Today for my new anti-depressants, Colpacetic XL. The ad strangely enough has a guy wearing a sports coat and playing saxophone. ... the fuck?

Anyway, here's what the warning label says: (which despite the side-effects, i highly recommend):

Colpacetic is prescribed for the treatment of depression, but it is not for everyone. If you take Colpacetic, there is a risk of sickness, including a condition of thickness of the head. Do not take Colpacetic if you are driving, as it may make you crash your car. Additional side effects may include: hurting your head, dry mouth, and eyes too red.

Colpacetic may increase nervousness, disorientation, but calm feelings of loneliness and heighten intimacy, which is increased in patients with certain medical problems or in patients taking certain medicines.

Colpacetic has a LOW INCIDENCE OF THE FOLLOWING SIDE EFFECTS: Low spillage. Low cost. Does not come in a pill. Colpactic XL will stay in the system indefinitely, does not cause insomnia nor excessive all-day drowsiness.

Colpacetic XL is guaranteed to do what it should. Colpactic XL will not cause excessive manic happiness and will not cause excessive depression. Colpacetic decreases weak-mindedness, allowing for the return to normal feelings of 'no doubt'. Colpacetic XL alleviates anxiety and nervousness as well as feelings of disorientation and indecisiveness.

Colpacetic is not intended as a replacement for being alone with you, yeah.

Do not take if you have or had a seizure or eating disorder. Don't use if you take an MAOI, or any medicine that contains bupropion such as WELLBUTRIN XL or ZYBAN. You should not take Colpacetic XL if you are abruptly stopping the use of alcohol or sedatives. When used with a nicotine patch or alone, there is a risk of increased blood pressure, sometimes severe. To reduce risk of serious side effects, tell your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems. Other side effects may include weight loss, dry mouth, nausea, difficulty sleeping, dizziness, and sore throat.