Haggard Scared Straight | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I like comparing Scared Straight therapy to ACL surgery. Remarkably similar, I'm sure.

Haggard Scared Straight | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "Haggard Scared Straight

The Reverend Ted Haggard, who left his ministry amidst allegations of drug use and hiring male prostitutes is now reportedly 'completely straight' after three weeks of therapy. What do you think?
Asian Man

Joseph Kennedy,
Cashier
'Man, that's faster than my recovery after ACL surgery. I should have just been gay instead.'
Old Man

Lyle Jacobs,
Big Rig Mechanic
'I'm skeptical. I'd want to see him have sex with a lady…my wife…I want to watch another man fuck my wife. Oh, God, what's wrong with me?!'
Old Woman

Victoria Slulum,
Punch-Press Operator
'It's true. I saw that press conference where reporters tempted him by waving a bunch of meth-covered cocks in his face, and he didn't even flinch.'
"