Tuesday, June 28, 2005

FamilyFirst

Fantastic.

FamilyFirst a parental resource for families who choose to have their? portraits taken in settings with noticeable terrestrial: "A Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas walkthrough for concerned parents

'Mom, Jimmy has a video game where you can steal a truck and run over prostitutes with said truck and steal their money and use the money to buy grenades and throw said grenades at police officers and use a dildo to beat their charred corpses for hours while yelling the n-word. Can I get it for my birthday?'

I'm sure that a lot of you parents have heard that from your child(s). Those of you who haven't may have children who do not have friends named Jimmy, or are deaf-mute, or were adopted from third-world countries and thusly do not have birthdays. Regardless, GTA: San Andreas has quickly integrated itself into the common American childhood. By this point, playing this game is as essential and natural a component as learning to ride a bike or waking up one morning with sticky bed sheets.

I've heard from many parents that they actually prohibit their children from playing this game. They buy into all the fears, such as the rumor that frequent or vigorous play will lead the child to go insane or grow hair on his palms. Such notions are pure nonsense! Granted, GTA: San Andreas can be moral garbage in its purest form, and if left unsupervised with it, your child will experience psychological injury comparable to that of a few huffs of paint thinner or a whack to the forehead with a cinder block. But with proper parental input and supervision, GTA: San Andreas can be a healthy and fun experience for your entire family!

Introduction to Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
For minimal eyestrain, encourage your child to play the game during its daylight hours.

In the latest iteration of the series, you are Carl Johnson, a former gang-banger who gives up an honest life in Liberty City to move back to San Andreas and engross himself in a culture of callowness and death. Significantly, Carl Johnson is a black man. As the parent of a socially sheltered child, it is your responsibility to dispel myths about these extremely talented people. They cannot fly, they cannot drink a gallon of milk in a single sitting, and a significant percentage of them cannot juggle while riding unicycles. To effectively reinforce realistic views of black people, you must first ensure that you yourself know the differences.

Below is a helpful table illustrating the discrepancies between everyday folk and black folk.
What black folks say... What it means to you...
Clothes Clothes
Money Money
Place of employment Place of employment
Music Music
Tiresome stereotype Material for stand-up comedy routine
Cars Cars

San Andreas is a wonderful place, filled with wholesome things such as automobiles and the ground. However, nearly everything else in the game often contains material that you would find offensive and that you would not want your child to see. The activity below will help shield your child from such negative influences."

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