Feral naked pastry guy

Twasn't me.

Defamer, the L.A. Gossip Rag: " At 5am this morning, a 'drunken naked guy' used a sock full of rocks to shatter the glass on the front door, and stormed inside to eat 'all the pastries'. Police responded and found the guy running around the store, resisting arrest. He had feathers in his hair and an American flag... although it wasn't explained to me if this was a large or small flag, or where it was placed (or, perhaps, raised). The cops had to use rubber bullets and a beanbag shotgun to subdue him.

The origins of the feral 'Scone Boy,' as local lore has already dubbed him, remain a mystery. Perhaps we shall never know what led to the sad, desperate scenario in which he found himself cornered and snapping viciously at the encroaching fingers of law officials as he greedily fed on day-old pumpkin spice muffins, only to be knocked unconscious with a high-velocity beanbag to the side of his feather-adorned head. To end on a more upbeat note, however, the colorful event should provide plenty of creative inspiration to the franchise's core clientele of aspiring screenwriters and derelict producers, and it won't be long before multiple, scripted versions of the events start circulating around the gourmet coffee circuit, each offering their individualized, explosive take on the shocking true crime tale."