Godawful, a rant.

To misuse a Verve song, "The Drugs Aren't Working".

Current list of problems, big and small that are making me feel overwhelmed, unhappy and underwhelmed:

I can't get myself to call a psychologist/therapist/whatever. And I need to rejoin a gym and can't get myself to go in, or get my finances in a semblence of order, and I feel like I'm spending my time either isolated or intoxicated (or both). Oh, and I'm not doing anything about healing my back or even attempting to heal my back.

Then all the small things pile up while I'm feeling awful. Can't clean my apartment, the food I bought's all spoiled, I'm not eating anything healthy, I broke the fucking toilet lid (not while intoxicated - which kinda made it worse), my car's filthy, I'm fairly certain that my insurance company is ripping me off, I bought 3 extra tickets to a show on Friday night that I've no idea if anyone will want, I'm one ticket short for a group outing soccer game that I organized, I don't know how to count my blessings, and I'm still addicted to these sleeping pills.

Then there's the creativity level at work, the low interest in work, the low interest in developing extracurriculur activities, how much I'm wasting the beachness of my place, my lack of bike riding around, the incredibly shitty service I'm getting from my post office (sample: Newsweek arrives a week after it arrives on newstands. Sporting News comes 9 days late.)

and i don't really feel capable of getting any of these things done or made better.

at least my poker game's improving.

there. that doesn't feel better at all.