Should really just put the whole damn column here. I can't help but think that my writing is going to start slanting towards a combination of Mark Morford and Bill Simmons, and that the whole Hemingway/Douglas Adams style I grew up dreaming about will wither away like Lauryn Hill's career. Ah, well.

Stop The Gay Canadians! / First icky legalized homosexual marriage, then the apocalypse. Conservative America trembles

Stop The Gay Canadians!
First icky legalized homosexual marriage, then the apocalypse. Conservative America trembles

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist Friday, June 20, 2003
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"As far as I'm told, Canada actually borders our fine upstanding nation," Bush managed to continue, after being hoisted upright, as a paler-than-usual Dick Cheney whispered desperately into Bush's ear while Lynne frantically tried to dissuade their secret lesbian daughter from splitting for Saskatchewan with her lover on the next flight out.

"This means we as a country are actually touching a bunch of gay married people right this very minute! Look at this map! It's like an adjacency thing! Like some sort of weird tidal wave of gay Canadian people in love, just waiting up north to ride big pink buses down here and open chains of well-appointed little erotic chocolate boutiques and buy up all the Cher Farewell Tour tickets. This will not do!"

Already, America's perspective has been affected. In a shocking new poll, fully 41 percent of Americans now believe the terrorists responsible for the 9/11 tragedy were, in fact, gay married Canadians.

Similarly, 23 percent are now convinced Saddam Hussein was either "somewhat" or "almost totally" Canadian. Or gay. Or a member of Loverboy.